Canada and the NPR Solution

The Trump administration's threats to funding for NPR, and demand to annex Canada, reminded me of this 2006 column that may actually suggest a stop-gap solution. Twenty years ago, we probably all enjoyed joking about NPR. The Trump attack isn't funny, but maybe this will help us recall better times. Also, everyone should join their local public radio stations, and subscribe to local newspapers. Independent journalism is more important now than ever.

WBEZ has air time to fill? Tune in on the Canadians

Chicago Sun Times (IL)

May 15, 2006

Steven Lubet

Just about everyone in town has an opinion about the impending changes at WBEZ, Chicago's public radio station, that will eliminate jazz and other music programming in favor of a 24-hour news-and-talk format. Bebop afficionados are threatening to hold their breaths and turn (appropriately) blue if the decision isn't reversed, while news junkies are salivating at the thought of even more current events coverage -- let's call it All Things Considered ad Nauseam.

But for all the erudite sturm und drang, no one has put their finger on the real problem. Where is WBEZ going to get 24 hours worth of news and talk? Sure, talk is cheap, but that doesn't mean it's easy to find, especially since it will have to fit public radio's hyphenated template -- super-serious, self-possessed, ultra-rational, and mostly non-partisan. 

Fortunately, I know just the place where deadly earnest content abounds, where time limitations know no bounds, and where NPR's grave solemnity is exceeded by leaps and bounds. Yes, I'm talking about Canada. WBEZ simply needs to point its antenna to the north, and it will be able to fill virtually endless hours with in-depth coverage of subjects like software licensing in Toronto or the importance of weatherproof paint in New Brunswick.

Talk about long-form reporting! Canadian radio makes NPR seem like sound-bite central. Of course, they broadcast exclusively in Canadian, which takes a little getting used to. But half of my family is from Manitoba, so I can provide a fair translation.

Imagine the joy of listening to a 30-minute piece about mail delivery on Prince Edward Island:

"So, how's the postal service?"

"Well, I'd say it's pretty good, eh."

"Get your mail on time, do you?"

"Most days."

"How about the weekend?"

"Doesn't come on Saturday or Sunday. Can't say I miss it, though."

And if that won't be enough to keep you fastened to their frequency, how about another hour on the grain harvest in Saskatchewan:

"What are you growing in that field over there?"

"Wheat."

"How about that one?"

"More wheat."

"That field behind us?"

"Winter wheat."

"Then it's pretty much all wheat, eh?

"Pretty much."

That ought to whet your appetite for real news radio. And just wait for the annual precipitation report from Baffin Island! I can hear it now:

"Get much precipitation up here?"

"I wouldn't say so. Except for the snow."

Sure, it can't all be that educational. In addition to breaking news, you have to give listeners a chance to speak their minds, whether expressing opinions or seeking advice. Canadians, of course, would never tolerate someone as intrusive and judgmental as Dr. Laura Schlessinger. But they ought to have their own, less-aggressive, radio therapist. Let's call her Dr. MacKenzie:

"Thanks for taking my call, Dr. MacKenzie, I'm having some trouble in my marriage."

"Lots of people do, but it's probably not the sort of thing you'd want to discuss with a total stranger."

"I guess not, but I could really use some help."

"Sure you could, but it's really best kept to yourself."

"OK, Dr. MacKenzie, I'll just sit tight. Thanks for the advice."

"That's what I'm here for."

Yep, Canadian radio would make us all forget all about the world music, Celtic ballads and Afro-pop that used to consume valuable air time on WBEZ. Instead, we'll be able to hear descriptions of an art gallery run by former Nicaraguan contras, or an explanation of orthographic reform in Azerbaijan.

With informative stuff like that available at the twist of a dial, who needs all that jazz.

Author's note: All of the dialog is fictional, but one of the stories really did run on WBEZ: Bonus points go to any reader who correctly recognized Azeri orthography -- they recently changed their alphabet from Cyrillic to Latin -- as an actual NPR report.