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Friday, February 15, 2008

This Parody was Inevitable

(H/T: Free Republic)

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I think I'm entitled to them.

Clemens: You want answers?

Congressman: I want the truth!

Clemens: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has baseballs. And those balls have to be hit by men with bats. Who's gonna do it? You? You,Congressman? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for steroids and you curse HGH. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that HGH, while illegal, probably sells tickets. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, sells tickets...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that mound. You need me on that mound. We use words like fastall, slider, splitfinger...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent playing a sport. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and falls asleep to the Sportscenter clips I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a bat and dig in. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

Clemens: (quietly) I did the job you sent me to do.

Congressman: Did you order the HGH?

You're gddamn right I did!!

Posted by Howard Wasserman on February 15, 2008 at 10:23 AM | Permalink


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Fantastically funny. I could imagine Clemens doing this.

Posted by: William | Feb 19, 2008 10:07:29 AM

Genius: an exceptional natural capacity of intellect, especially as shown in creative and original work in science, art, music, and pop-culture parodies .

Posted by: Jeremy | Feb 17, 2008 2:38:18 AM

Pitchers are not famous as "men with bats"

Posted by: joe | Feb 15, 2008 9:17:52 PM

The best parody based on the "you can't handle the truth" speech I've ever seen.

Posted by: William | Feb 15, 2008 5:43:02 PM


Posted by: andy | Feb 15, 2008 3:10:23 PM

Absolutely brilliant!

Posted by: Dan Markel | Feb 15, 2008 11:34:54 AM

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