Self-Help, Satire, and the Meet Market (Part 2 of ?)

(This post is a continuation of the satire, which started here, discussing the relevance of self-help books to the process of seeking an academic job).

"The Rules," having nothing to do with the cathedral.

Don’t talk to a hiring chair first.  Don’t ever go dutch on a callback.  Always end phone calls first.

Scene: Marion Peach’s office at Anonymous Law Firm.

Time: Two weeks before the hiring conference.   

It’s a few weeks before the AALS meet market, and my “dance card” is nowhere near full.  I’m not certain why I’m not more popular.  Maybe I could have sacrificed sleep for six months and written two more articles.  Worse yet, I think that the partners are on to me already, so I have to make this academic option work out. 

Why do I think that they’re on to me?  Well, they know I went to more than one pro bono training last month.  And there’s nothing that says “I’m looking to keep my options open / leave the firm / become an academic” than attending too many pro bono trainings.   Those who really want to make partner are busy billing “real” clients “real” billable hours.   

Maybe if I had more of a niche, then my phone would be ringing off the hook.  Maybe if I changed my form to say that I’d love to teach some oddball subject, like, say Roman law, or secured transactions, I’d get more attention.  Better yet, the secured transactions of ancient Rome.  Hey, I could learn Italian.  Bellissimo!  Oh, they spoke Latin?  That's okay.  I already speak Latin.  Ix nay on the talian-ay.

Perhaps if I invented my own field of legal studies, and wrote a book about it, that would help me on the market.  And I still have two weeks before the hiring conference in which to do that!  Who needs sleep?  Think, Marion, think.  I don’t know, after another late night at the firm, it’s all I can do to keep my eyes open.  Oh, goodness, where does the time go?  Now I’ve lost even more billable time to daydreaming.   Let me look at my watch to see when I stopped billing.  I’m so tired it’s like everything is melting into each other. It’s like my watch is melting like in one of those Salvador Dali paintings. 

Wait!  That’s it.  It’s so crazy it just might work.  I’ll use the Dali as an extended metaphor for the fatuousness of the billable hour.  Surrealism and the Law!  It will have all of its own terms.  How about “melting schema”?  Or “transcendent time?”  I like it.  What does it mean? Who cares?  I’ll invent some definitions.  The most important thing is that I use a lot of big words to describe it.  Words like “abject,” “problematize,” and “hegemonic.” Hooray! I’ve got a real research agenda now.

Oh dear.  The rules say I can’t call anyone about this.